Long time no blog!!
I haven’t blogged in a looOng time, I haven’t felt the urge to, or the want! Tbh, I’ve felt lost. Lost, directionless and purposeless. My brain has felt like a big ball of contradictions (do you remember those big rubber band balls.. that’s how my brain has felt recently).
Exhibit A [rubber band ball / my brain].
I’ve not wanted to write because I use my blogs as a way of expressing myself but I’ve not been able to work out how I’ve felt.
I feel static.
But, I feel like my brain is running at 100 miles an hour.
I feel safe.
But, I feel terrified.
I feel controlled by my eating disorder.
But, I know I’m so far from where I was.
I feel overwhelmed.
But, I feel numb.
And, most of all, I feel embarrassed.
And, by letting my embarrassment get the better of me, I’m being hypocritical.
I’m embarrassed because I’m struggling, I’m struggling with knowing my emotions. Here I am, the girl that preaches about talking and opening up and yet I’m scared to do JUST that!! I’m scared and embarrassed of being a failure. I feel guilty that I can’t always listen to my own advice. I feel stupid that I’ve allowed my brain to convince me that I don’t deserve to speak up. And, I’ve realised that by refusing to acknowledge all of this, I’ve not been taking responsibility for myself and my lil’ brain.
So this blog is from me to me, I’m holding myself accountable. I acknowledge that I feel lost. I accept that this feeling is okay. And, I refuse to let this get the better of me anymore. I am going to reclaim responsibility for my recovery and I am going to come back bigger (literally… lol soZ) and hopefully a little better!!
This is a reminder, from me to me, that my potential ability to help others is my biggest drive and motivator, and I can only help others if I help myself first. As the saying goes, you can’t pour from any empty coffee (I really love coffee) cup!!
Hope doesn’t die. Hope doesn’t die. Hope doesn’t die.
(Being kind includes to yourself – pls try little brain).
Because, even in the unknown, beautiful things can grow.
Because, I want to do the best I can to spread light where I can.
Because, I know, the sun will rise again.
Because, I want to do this for me.
Love E x