That’s what I am
I’m tired of being controlled by my past
I’m tired of being scared, I’m tired of being afraid, I’m tired of nightmares, I’m tired of flashbacks, I’m tired of staying silent, I’m tired of crying about my past, I’m tired of being sad, I’m tired of feeling worthless, I’m tired of feeling ashamed, I’m tired of feeling lost, I’m tired of feeling confused, I’m tired of hiding my opinion, I’m tired of being unable to make simple decisions, I’m tired of hating myself, I’m tired of being an apology, I’m tired of making myself into something to be forgotten, I’m tired of being tired
And, for the first time ever (!!!) I feel a teeny tiny little bit annoyed. I feel upset and a little annoyed that people in my past made a decision (beyond my control) which nearly destroyed me. But, most of all, I feel upset because I still feel unworthy of being able to feel annoyed… I’m still controlled by my past. I need to feel okay. Okay with feeling annoyed. Because, I am allowed to feel. I deserve to feel annoyed. Letting myself feel this way will allow me to heal.
By still letting myself be controlled by what has happened, I am letting them win. I am not doing myself or anyone else justice. And, beyond what I think of myself, countless people who have been through these experiences deserve justice. They deserve hope. They deserve freedom.
… For you to do what you did to me (each and every one of you),
You must see no worth in yourself
After you have touched me
I am worthless
As if your touch
And, I am tired of being reduced. I am tired of following your narrative. I don’t want to reduce myself to nothing. You already did that. But, it is time for me to reclaim myself. Because, I am not a victim. I am not a survivor. I am Emma.
And, worth is not something that can be transferred.
I am tired of feeling heavy. Because
Because I am filled with the truth. Too scared to say it out loud.
But the truth needs to exist. Somewhere else. Other than inside of me.
I need to free myself. Because, not everything that weighs me down is mine to carry.
I am not alone in this anymore. I am freeing myself.
And I am mine
before I am anyone else’sI don’t want to be tired anymore
Love E x