So, unlike the title of this blog suggests, no I haven’t actually forgotten who I am BUT I actually mean, who am I (!!) ((if you could hear me rn, I’d be emphasising the ‘I’ and you’d see the difference)… I mean, how do I define myself? How do I value myself? What do I want to be known for?
This is something that I’ve always struggled with. For me, I’ve found it very difficult to recover my identity outside of anorexia. And, now I’m detaching my existence from the eating disorder, I’m trying to work out how I want to define myself. Sounds simple… I thought it would be simple, buttttt here’s the dilemma:
In the past, I have defined myself by my eating disorder (not happening anymore, we’ve established) OR by my academic life, which, on the surface, seems acceptable. HOWEVER, clearly, this hasn’t made me happy. Grades fluctuate and life fluctuates. And, here’s the issue, if I define myself by my grades which will, invariably, fluctuate then my self worth and value will veer (left, right, up n down) as a result.
So, how do I define myself? Who am I??
I think, from here on, I’d like to define myself differently. I’d like to be defined by my family… my friends. My laughter. I’d like to define myself by my kindness to others, and my care. My unbreakable hope, in life and love. And, most importantly, I’d like to value myself. I do not want the value I have for myself to be defined when I say ‘hi, I’m Emma and I am also anorexia and I am also an A* student’ because, honestly, in reality, who else really cares about that?
To be happy, I need respect for myself. I need to find a set of values that I want to live by… kindness, compassion, patience, love. Laughter, happiness, smiles and humour. Sarcasm. To stand up for myself. To stand up for others. To be a listener and to be listened to. Resilience, determination, courage and bravery. Freedom. And, hope.
That is how is how I’d like to be defined. That is the value I’d like to place on myself. That is who I’d like to be. This is who I am.