Yes, I am delighted to announce that I am Loreal’s newest, most distinguished brand ambassador, lol I joke, HOWEVER, the title of this blog is not a joke because… you ARE worth it.
As I’ve been going through the recovery process, I am finding it increasingly difficult to tell myself that I truly am worthy of full recovery. And, for once, this is not because I want to run back to the comfort of my eating disorder and hide myself away from the world because I don’t, I am never going back there again. But, I am finding it difficult to trust that that I do deserve happiness.
So, here’s what’s happening, I can go through the motions of recovery and do what I know is going to, ultimately, lead me to a bigger, better, more beautiful and fulfilling life (eg. eating, engaging with therapy, being honest, talking etc). And, I know, if I carry on doing this I will continue being content (as I am now), which is fine. Being content is okay. Settling with ‘content’ wouldn’t be detrimental to my life, I could coast through life being content.
I almost died. My heart tried to give up on me. My organs got bored of the sh*t I was putting them through, and, I almost died.
I did not almost die so that I could settle with being just content.
I want, even need, to be 100%, truly, unwaveringly happy. And, by that, I don’t mean I am going to be full of joy 24/7 and have no down days… that’s unrealistic. By happy, I mean, I want to feel it. I want to truly feel that happiness is okay. That I am allowed to know what happiness is. And, that I do deserve to feel happiness.
I am finding that being happy isn’t just taking part in self care, socialising, eating all my food, being honest, being open, and trusting… Of course, it is all of that BUT it also requires belief. I’ve come to the conclusion that if I really do want the happiness that I always preach about then I need to start believing that I deserve happiness. That, I (Me (!!), Emma, Em, E) am worthy of happiness.
It sounds cliche, it even sounds simple. Maybe, it sounds stupid. Yet, to me, this is the aspect that I struggle with most and it is something I need to start trying. It might take months, or years but I need to change my beliefs. Or, at least, not act on them. Happiness is OkAAaY. Happiness is allowed. Maybe, I do deserve to be happy.
And, to anyone who is struggling, I want you to know that (I promise… and, I don’t lie, so a promise is a promise) YOU (yes, you) really do deserve hope, and happiness, and life. You deserve it all. And, now it’s your turn, you need to start believing it for yourself.