Unapologetically ME

Well, I’ve got to start this post off with recognition of the new year sooooo, happy 2020 everybody!!! BriNg iT on.

As soon as Christmas is over, everyone is in countdown mode and ready to bring in the new year. On social media, the ‘new year, new me’ messages and memes are running rampant, and while I will never knock anyone’s mindset, mine is a little different. In 2020, I don’t want to strive for a new Emma. This year I want to continue being me. In 2020, my goal is to carry on being more Emma. Unapologetically Emma. Yep, you’ve heard (eurgh, I mean read) me right, and for someone who has little self esteem, writing this is difficult BUT that is my aim. This is my promise to myself.

Let me explain… In February 2019, I was discharged from the eating disorder ward that saved my life, and I resolutely vowed to make that my last hospital admission (yeah, you heard me anorexia). In 2019… I travelled, I started dance again, I got back into performing arts (legit, my love), I went on walks with my crazy family, I visited family members that I hadn’t been able to see for months, I went on copious coffee and cake dates, I visited cities I’d never seen before, I laughed, I smiled, I cried (lots), I made mistakes, I opened up, I went to therapy, I started this blog, I restarted my psychology degree, I gained hope, I gained happiness and I gained life.

In 2019, step by step, nudge by nudge, chain by chain, and bite by bite, I began to let go of anorexia. For good. Unlike so many times previously, in 2019 I began recovery. REAL recovery. Difficult, emotional, hard, scary, terrifying, horrendous, upsetting recovery. Real recovery. Fun, exciting, new, adventurous, motivated, inspiring, brave and courageous recovery. And, in 2019, as I did this, I let go of my eating disorder and I lived my life.

In 2019, I lived the life that Emma really wanted. I lived by the rules, standards, hopes, dreams, fears, friends and challenges that I felt were true to me. In 2019, I began to cultivate acceptance, compassion and empathy towards myself. I started, with guidance, treatment and support, to create a vision of how I want to live my life.

And, really? I am happy continuing to do that. Unlike in previous years, when a new year has signified another year of holding onto anorexia and every bullish*t lie she fed me, this year is about continuing to trust everyone around me, to trust in the recovery process and, importantly, to trust myself.

So I think the message from this post is that, it IS more than okay to start the new year continuing as you were the day before (literally). A new year does not have to bring with it a new YOU. A new year be dedicated towards bringing a better version of yourself (of course) but an entirely new YOU? That is not necessary. In fact, sometimes, continuing as you did the year before is the best, most brave and inspiring thing you can do.

So with 2020 comes even more ME. Even more Emma. I’m aspiring to be unapologetically, authentically and sarcastically Emma (sorry not sorry).

E x

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