I’m sorry

on

To M and D,

I’m sorry. 

I’m sorry for shouting at you.

I’m sorry for letting Ana argue with you.

I’m sorry for not being honest all the time. 

I’m sorry about lying, for Ana.

I’m sorry for trying to protect Ana.

I’m sorry for ignoring you.

I’m sorry for thinking I know best. 

I’m sorry for letting Ana control me.

I’m sorry for not letting you in. 

I’m sorry for wasting your money. 

I’m sorry for ruining family events. 

I’m sorry for tearing up our little family.

I’m sorry for not being able to talk all of the time. 

I’m sorry for listening to my destructive thoughts.

I’m sorry for letting my past define me still. 

I’m sorry for upsetting you.

I’m sorry for worrying you.

I’m sorry for hurting you.

I’m sorry for letting Ana get in-between us.

I’m sorry for being difficult.

I hope you know that I really am trying to recover and to get rid of the bully in my head for good, or at least, be able to ignore the bully. I hope you know that I don’t want to be dominated by Ana anymore.

I hope you know that I am trying, and that’s why I make mistakes. I hope you realise that it is okay for me to make mistakes, because I am trying, and if I wasn’t trying I wouldn’t be making mistakes. I hope you don’t mind that some days are difficult, or worse than others.

But, I hope you know that doesn’t mean that I am giving up or slipping backwards, but just allowing myself to feel the emotions. I hope you know that I am trying to talk more. I hope you know that I am trying to be honest.

I hope you know that most days I am doing the exact opposite of everything that is ingrained in my weird head, that I am opening up, accepting help, wanting support. I hope you know that none of this is your fault. I hope you know that none of this is your responsibility and that you are my Mumma and Daddy, not my doctors.

I hope you know that I love you, even when I’m shouting at you or crying. I hope you know that most days I am happy, and that most days I can remind myself why carrying on with recovery is worth it. I hope you understand that although recovery is meant to be ‘for me’, I also use you 3 as inspiration and motivation. I hope you know how much you all mean to me and how much I appreciate you. 

I hope you know I love you.

E x

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