An apology, 11 years overdue…

To Looey Poo,

I’m sorry. 

I’m sorry for not being the inspirational, role model of a big sister that you need in your life. 

I’m sorry for not being able to show you how to treat yourself or your body with respect.

I’m sorry I couldn’t teach you how to stand up for yourself. 

I’m sorry I couldn’t teach you how to love yourself.

I’m sorry for spending 11 years, of your 15, at war with a stupid voice in my head. 

I’m sorry for being selfish.

I’m sorry that my eating disorder has taken away moments that should have been focused entirely on you, and redirected them at its stupid self.

I’m sorry for shouting at you knowing that it is really my eating disorder. 

I’m sorry that you’ve had to spend way too many weekends travelling to hospital to see me sit there and say nothing. 

I’m sorry that I have let my eating disorder get in-between us. 

I’m sorry for trying to encourage you to eat food that you don’t want, or watching you as you eat the snack that I wish I had the courage to try. 

I’m sorry for making you live off a diet that consists of 86% chicken because that’s all I could eat.

I’m sorry that you’ve had to stand there helping me decide what I can eat for my snack, when we should be standing there discussing who your latest guy is, or the latest argument within your crazy friendship group. 

I’m sorry you’ve watched me tear apart our weirdo family. 

I’m sorry for promising you the world but only being able to give you arguments. 

I’m sorry for not inspiring you. 

I’m sorry that you cant look up to me.

I’m sorry for everything.

And, I’m sorry I’m not brave enough to say any of this out loud.

But, I hope you now realise that I am doing my best to face all of these issues, to challenge the bully in my head and tell it to shut the fuck up. I hope you realise that I never ever mean to hurt you. I hope you understand that I am still trying to differentiate between when I get pissed off at you (for being ahead of me in Pretty Little Liars but watching it with me in the room anyway), and when Ana gets pissed off at you. I hope you don’t mind that some days I might turn to you for support with which snack is the best to eat, but that I’m only doing that because I trust you, and respect you. I hope you realise that I don’t actually think the entire world revolves around me, but that I don’t mind if you want to tell me that again and again (every so often). I hope you know that I admire you and your ability to carry on, regardless of everything that goes on. I hope you know how intelligent you are. I hope you know how funny you are. I hope you know that you can do anything you want to do. I hope you know that you can come to me, about anything. I hope you know you can talk to me about anything. I hope that you can trust me with all of your secrets, or deepest thoughts and fears. I hope you know that I am always here for you. And, I hope you love yourself, I really hope you love yourself. I hope you know that I love you.

E x

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